[awgeez writing up this week.
Judged it with birdhead.]

Shall I coupletize Shame, too?
Turns out, not so hard.

There were candidates for Shame.
We considered these:

ducky's bad list formatting?
Nah, we'll let her slide.

pickles, for the same post twice?
Nah, it's not her fault.

Frank Z's awful bennu pun?
Nah. For his course, par.

Austin for his naughty words?
Nah, just bleep 'em out.

Ms. Hoo's riddle? (R-rated?)
Nah, over our heads.

Leslie, 'cause her volume's down?
Nah, we understand.

No Shame in admitting it...
This week was too good.

(Awgeez and birdhead judging this week, bird on the keys.)

Jagd Kunst

antidisestablishment-
arianism

Wouldn't you expect this couplet on Wall of Fame? Well, it's a wrapper, but we've famed wrappers before, at least on accident. Technically meritorious? Absolutely. Bold, clever newbie post (if you don't count Jagd's couplet in week 37)? Sure.

But the inexcusable, shame-worthy sin of this couplet is that Jagd didn't hyphenate it correctly. It should have been:

antidisestablishmen-
tarianism

The line between fame-worthy brilliance and Shame Alley is a fine one, indeed. (And even finer on short weeks.)

Since this is the Special Edition of Choka On It (and, as with most Special Edition DVDs, the only edition), here's a little behind-the-scenes featurette:

Reading Between the Couplets:
The Making of Fame and Shame

Hi! I'm awgeez, one of the judges here at Choka On It. We thought you might like to see what goes into the making of a Wall of Fame or Shame Alley entry. So, come along with me as we explore this fascinating world!

First, using an advanced process too complex to describe, we transfer the current week's couplets from their online form to 8 1/2 by 11 sheets of paper. Then we take those papers to our production meeting. Our local Wendy's restaurant generously donates the meeting space each week, as long as we buy some Hot n Juicy burgers, or at least a Frosty. (We still refuse, however, to do shameless product promotions on our site.)

(Or sometimes, if one of the judges lives in another state, we try to communicate by phone. But it's hard to find a Wendy's manager that will let you tie up the phone that long. Ha, ha. No, no, just kidding. We actually have space-age portable telephones that let us communicate over long distances.)

After we've made our selections, we decide which one of us will do the write-ups for the website. We generally settle this by playing best-two-out-of-three-rock-scissors-paper. The winner gets to be the writer. But to keep things fair, whoever wrote last week's entry always takes "scissors", and the other one always takes "rock". (Someday, we'll try to incorporate paper, but hey -- we've already got a good system going here.)

Okay, the judging's done. Now it's time for the writer to do the writing! Let's use a Shame Alley example from Week 40. First, we add the name(s) of the bozo(s) being shamed:

Frank Zappai

Next, we copy over the offensive couplet(s):

neodeconstructionis-
m: fame/shame writeups

wrappers are a state of mind ...
a choka art form

After that, we add our judge's commentary. Something like this, for example:

Way to go, Frank, you dipstick. Yes, as usual, you were asking for shame. But you knew that just doing the same old thing wouldn't be good (er, bad) enough anymore, didn't you? So you had to be unique. Well, you certainly were. First you came up with a word that COULDN'T POSSIBLY FIT in an acceptable couplet, and then you WRAPPED the stupid thing. Yes, you usually have more wrappers than a five-pound bag of Double Bubble. But until this week, I don't know if you had ever done it quite like that. Sheesh. And then, the best (er, worst) part is that the first syllable of the second line is just "m". You deserve to be m-bopped for that. Either with a hammer or a Hanson CD, whichever hurts worse.

Then we just add a clever introduction and conclusion, and that's it! We've got a Shame Alley entry!

I'm awgeez. Thanks for joining me behind the scenes of Choka On It. Good night.

WRITTEN BY
awgeez

DIRECTED BY
awgeez

PRODUCED BY
awgeez

JUDGED BY
birdhead & awgeez

CREDITS BY
awgeez

STUPID WRAPPER COUPLET BY
Frank Zappai

CHOKA ON IT CREATED BY
b1-66er & birdhead

Copyright © 2006 Choka On It. All Rights Reserved.

(Awgeez and birdhead judging this week, words and lateness here courtesy of the bird.)

Ain't nobody here but the usual chickens:

Frank Zappai

you'll do the shame alley time
if you do the rhyme

Oh, do I even need to explain the shame-worthiness of this one? I could cite the rules: no rhyme between the first and second lines of a couplet. I could cite Frank's eagerness for Shame: he's clearly asking for it. I could cite the Wheel of Shame: he owns considerable real estate there.

But, alas. Frank was prodding Austin Morgan for writing a rhyming couplet. If for no other reason than to prove to Austin that "rules are rules," we had to pick this couplet for shame.

Quit smirking, Frank.

[awgeez here, judging along with birdhead, and looking for Shame in all the wrong places]

Sam / KT / Shanidy / lunastrixae

Sam:
    Sam Sam Sam Sam Sam Sam Sam
    Sam Sam Kantonen

KT:
    An attack of the ego?
    I don't know you, Sam.

Shanidy:
    Sam is all of us, you see
    Do you know yourself?

lunastrixae:
    Sam I am, or Sam am not
    Still is poem spam

Wow. I can hardly even think of what to say to this... Except maybe:

That Sam-I-am!
That Sam-I-am!
I do not like that Sam-I-am!

Do you like my Choka spam?

I do not like it, Sam-I-am.
I do not like your Choka spam.

Would you read it with one eye?

I would not read it with one eye.
I would not read it with Zappai.
I do not like your Choka spam.
I do not like it, Sam-I-am.

Would you read it in a truck?
Would you read it with a-duck?

I would not read it in a truck.
I would not read it with a-duck.
I would not read it with one eye.
I would not read it with Zappai.
I do not like your Choka spam.
I do not like it, Sam-I-am.

Would you read it at the zoo?
Would you read it with Ms. Hoo?

Not at the zoo.
Not with Ms. Hoo.
Not in a truck.
Not with a-duck.
I would not read it with one eye.
I would not read it with Zappai.
I do not like your Choka spam.
I do not like it, Sam-I-am.

Would you? Could you?
While you knit? 
Read it! Read it!
Here! Read it!

I would not, could not, while I knit.

You may like it.
You will see.
You could read it with Leslie!

I would not, could not with Leslie.
Not while I knit! You let me be.

I would not read it at the zoo.
I would not read it with Ms. Hoo.
I would not read it in a truck.
I would not read it with a-duck.
I would not read it with one eye.
I would not read it with Zappai.
I would not read your Choka spam.
I would not read it, Sam-I-am.

b1! b1!
b1! b1!
Could you, would you, with b1?

Not with b1! Not with Leslie!
Not while I knit! Sam! Let me be!

I would not, could not, at the zoo.
I could not, would not, with Ms. Hoo.
I will not read it in a truck.
I will not read it with a-duck.
I will not read it with one eye.
I would not read it with Zappai.
I would not read your Choka spam.
I do not like it, Sam-I-am.

Say!
With Miss Turtle? Yes, with Miss Turtle!
Would you, could you, with Miss Turtle?

I would not, could not, with Miss Turtle.

Would you, could you, in the sun?

I would not, could not, in the sun.
Not with Miss Turtle. Not with b1.
Not while I knit. Not with Leslie.
I will not read it, Sam, you see.
Not in a truck. Not at the zoo.
Not with a-duck. Not with Ms. Hoo.
I would not read it with one eye.
I would not read it with Zappai!

You do not like my Choka spam?

I do not like it, Sam-I-am.

Could you, would you, with birdhead?

I would not, could not, with birdhead!

Would you, could you, in a shed?

I could not, would not, in a shed.
I will not, will not, with birdhead.
I will not read it in the sun.
I will not read it with b1.
Not with Miss Turtle! Not with Leslie!
Not while I knit! You let me be!
I will not read it at the zoo.
I will not read it with Ms. Hoo.
I will not read it in a truck.
I will not read it with a-duck.
I would not read it with one eye.
I would not read it with Zappai!
I do not like your Choka spam!
I do not like it, Sam-I-am.

You do not like it.
So you say.
Read it! Read it!
And you may.
Read it and you may, I say.

Sam!
If you will let me be, I will read it.
You will see.

[click... click... read... read...]

Say!
I like your Choka spam!
I do! I like it, Sam-I-am!
And I would read it in a shed.
And I would read it with birdhead...

And I would read it in the sun.
And with Miss Turtle. And with b1.
And while I knit. And with Leslie.
Spam adds volume, volume, you see!

So I will read it at the zoo.
And I will read it with Ms. Hoo.
And I will read it in a truck.
And I will read it with a-duck.
And I will read it with one eye.
Say! I will read it with Zappai!

I do so like your Choka spam!
Thank you!
Thank you, Sam-I-am!

(We actually did like these strange and funny couplets. But you all still get to go to Shame Alley, for giving me the goofy idea to channel the venerable Dr. Seuss.)

[Birdhead and Awgeez judging this week, with Birdhead on the keys.]

alphaduck

less than exclamation point dash dash
these are not displayed

secrets, lies, wishful thinking, 
the depths of my mind

(...)

these are present, undisplayed
dash dash greater than

Now I was going to say these couplets deserve doubleplus technical merit bonuses, masterfully geeking out with the <!-- HTML comment syntax --> and for fitting the comment opener in a 7 and closer in a 5.

Except alphaduck didn't quite do that, did she?

NO. Damn her. These couplets had greatness written all over them. Awgeez and I both agreed, instantly, oh yea that's fame pick of the week. Since it was from our resident math genius we didn't bother checking the syllables. It wasn't until I sat down at the keys to heap praises on these couplets that I noticed the gross technical violation on line one. Line freaking o-n-e.

Awgeez pointed out she could have made this work: "less than, bang sign, and dash dash." But no. No, no, no, that's not what ducky wrote. Damn.

So pile these couplets on the heap of "greatness that could have been." Next time, alphaduck, when you've got a brilliant idea: measure twice, post once.

[awgeez here, escorting another newbie to Shame Alley, along with fellow judge birdhead]

Face

Jellys fall in love sometimes
Just look at this pair

Limpidly propell themselves
tentacles entwined

And he whispers to her "Oh,"
"My Jelly Baby".

Oh, Face. You've gone from our newest Choka star to our newest resident of Shame Alley. In just one week!

We liked the way this flowed from Walt Whitman's couplets. We loved the beautiful linked picture of the jellyfish couple. We were impressed with the way that your words implanted strong images of these creatures and how they move. We were even willing to accept the concept of jellyfish love.

But "Oh, My Jelly Baby"?????

How about "Oh, My Queasy Belly"? (And, no, I hadn't been to Taco Bell in over a week!)

Welcome to Shame Alley, Face. But take heart -- this mushy example pales in comparison to your usual solid contributions.

Now, please pass the Pepto.

[Birdhead and Awgeez judging this week, with Birdhead on the keys.]

So, intoxicated as we were by burgers and fries, Awgeez and I couldn't come up with any shame for the week. Really, we read through everything twice (at least) searching for couplets sufficiently worthy and awful. But even topics such as "eating poultry" didn't make the cut.

As I was writing up Wall of Fame, however, I noticed that one of my favorite Fame picks wasn't seven-five:

Mock Turtle

Got beat up by a penguin
Been a very long time

Rage and romance, all mixed up
He wants a new mate

You see, I was all prepared to write about how I totally understand the avian "rage and romance, all mixed up" thing, and how these couplets provide and impressively perceptive picture of bird love that only birds (and their lovers) could truly understand.

But, the opener is seven-six. Dagnabbit. So, I'm sure Awgeez would agree (though I didn't consult him), I have to yank these couplets from Fame and stick them here.

Welcome to Shame Alley, Turtle. Next time, don't make me do this on a technicality.

[awgeez here, judging along with birdhead, and spinning the Wheel of Shame...]

boop... boop... boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop... boop... boop....... boop....... boop........ boop............ boop......................... boop....................... boop

And we've landed on:

S1M0N

alphaduck is addicted
typing all this stuff

to this godforsaken place
which she calls home, hmph.

Well, hmph to you too, S1M0N. You know, here at Choka On It, we usually cut our newbies some slack. But look what you've done here:

1. You've used your amazing powers of observation to note that the previous million couplets were all written by alphaduck. That's true, but somehow you've decided that this is a bad thing? No, S1M0N, it is NOT a bad thing. You see, this is not the World's Sanest Choka. It's not the World's Least Addictive Choka. And it's certainly not the World's Easiest-for-S1M0N-to-Read-in-One-Sitting Choka! No, it's the World's Longest Choka, you spudnut. Couplet volumizing is NOT to be discouraged.

2. You've used the word godforsaken to describe our website. And, well, that's just... uh... well... not very nice, darn it. (Hey, you try writing these things while watching Whose Line Is It Anyway reruns, if you think it's so easy.) Godforsaken means "empty of people". Well, that just doesn't apply. We get two or three people here EVERY SINGLE DAY. And sometimes, during Sweeps Week (which is when the yarn industry decides which poetry site they want to sponsor), we get DOZENS of people here. Nope, not godforsaken. Not even a little bit.

3. Worst of all, you've chosen Week 34 to make these egregious remarks. Big mistake, Indy. You see, normally when we yell, "Who wants Shame?", at least two members of the Zappai Army jump up and down, raising their hands, yelling, "Me! Me! Me me me!". But this week, for whatever reason, they all took a step back and left you standing there by yourself. Whoops.

So, go away, S1M0N! (Ha, ha. Just kidding. I didn't say "awgeez says".)

Really, come on back and post some more, S1M0N (awgeez says). We're a friendly bunch here. And maybe, just maybe, if you're nice enough, everyone will pitch in and buy you a new keyboard. One with working vowel keys!

[Birdhead and Awgeez judging this week, with Birdhead dishing out the shame.]

suttonhoo

like a happy pup, all drool
it greets me with glee

it swirls giddy, premature:
wait up, auto flush

Arrrghhh. Suttonhoo, why do you torment me so? Next time you think of couplets like this, just cut out the middleman and kick me in the face instead, okay? That way you won't set up Frank Zappai with toilet flushing as the topic du jour.

Fortunately, Zapp was slow on the uptake, probably thrown off by the deft use of simile and caninepomorphism. These couplets so awed the audience that Leslie forgot how to count, and then—and then!—you provoked the now-respectable Awgeez, of all people who should know better, to respond in kind. So thoroughly disturbed was the zen of the Choka that alphaduck anne could no longer tell the difference between Sudoku and toilet paper.

You should have known better. In fact, I'm quite sure you did, and you consciously left the lid up just to annoy the judges. It's been a full half year since we last sent you to Shame Alley, but this week you leave us no choice: shame. Shame, shame, shame on you.

[Birdhead and 'geez here. This week we split the workload, and it's Birdhead here in the Alley.]

Frank Zappai

see this beefcake calendar
bunch of hunky guys

but it's not about good looks
it's about the pose

Yes, yes, of course Frank is here in Shame Alley. I could make some argument about hunky beefcake, or non-hunky non-beefcake (looks more like tofucake to me), or any number of other shame-worthy criticisms about these couplets. But the real truth is—sorry, Awgeez, I'm giving away our secret—for most judging sessions we just give the Wheel of Shame a spin:

Frank Zappai (and friends) own every second spot on the wheel, that's why they wind up here so often. With our victim(s) chosen, it's a simple matter to find some couplets that look like a reasonable excuse for shame. With Frank, it's a very simple matter indeed.

Previously, on the Wall of Fame:

birdhead: "It's not just a wrapper, it's a freakin' mobius strip couplet."

And now, this week's Shame Alley...

We were all in awe of Leslie's super-double-twisty-wrapper couplet. When we famed it last week, I knew that there would be a bunch of imitators (because innovators always spawn imitators). I also knew that birdhead's apt "mobius strip" description would inspire some couplets as well. And, on a Friday evening, Frank Zappai and some guy named awgeez (I think maybe I need an alternate identity) riffed on these topics for quite a while. Some of the results were pretty darn good stuff (and I'm not just saying that to suck up to myself). And then, there was this:

Frank Zappai

Three Stooges in therapy
work on empathy

Shemp and Curley muster nerve
to Moe: "Moe, be us"

Upon reading this, I reflexively placed my extended hand along my nose to defend against the dreaded two-fingered eye poke. Though Frank and I are separated by quite a few miles (and, I suspect, a few other things), I shivered a bit as I heard his "nyuk, nyuk, nyuk" in the distance.

Personally, I never understood the Stooges' appeal, but that's not why this post is being shamed. I wouldn't presume to badmouth these important cultural icons, especially since they probably make up a good part of Frank's family line. (We wouldn't want to get personal here.)

Nope, this one's here because it's just such a tortured Rube Goldberg machine of a post. Only this time the bowling ball takes the wrong path and falls on your foot. Indeed, this was a stretch worthy of Reed Richards.

Perhaps Rusty Parker summed it up best:

zapp, your dumbest couplet yet
alas, woe be us

[Birdhead here. This week was judged by Awgeez and me.]

Week 30 Shame is thankfully short. It would be empty, except for... oh, like I even have to tell you any more:

Frank Zappai

I've requested a ruling
an exegesis

'cause shame seekers need to know
helps them hone their craft

Frank, you ignorant slut.

When puzzling over Awgeez's Week 23 Shame Alley mention of Karpov, you could have just gone back and read the original Shame write-up. Awgeez even told you the week to look up. But instead you spent zillions of couplets trying to figure out a basic principle: no sucking up to the judges.

Really, Leslie's original "cool cuz I choka'd" couplet wasn't that bad, hardly a suck-up post at all. But we had to throw some meat to the wolves, you know. Leslie's always a good sport about that. In fact, she's starting to crave it now, almost like... you. (My Lord, what have we done?)

So, your exegesis in sum:

• No suck-ups (unless you're wickedly brilliant and/or covert about it, couplets about my daughter excepted), and

• Sometimes the judges are desperate.

Oh, and don't forget the last, most important rule of Choka judging: the judges' decisions are final.

[awgeez at the keyboard this time, judging along with birdhead]

There wasn't anything particularly shameworthy this week (especially since our regulars were mostly gone). But my partner (with his bird's eye view) did manage to catch this technical violation:

Leslie

these days the whole country’s hot
but I’m pretty cool…

no, not air conditioning
cool cuz I choka’d

Yeah, Leslie, you're cool. No arguing with that. And you are indeed even cooler because you Choka. But, dang it, this post just happens to be in violation of the Karpov Accord of Week 2.

As b1-66er decreed back in those ancient times, we can't have people going around skating judge's names into the ice... It just doesn't look right. And ignorance of the law is no excuse.

[And this would apply equally to any spider named Charlotte spinning a web with the name "awgeez" in it. Even though that would be pretty darn cool.]

[Birdhead here. This week was judged by Awgeez and me.]

Not much shame-worthiness this week, thankfully. Just the usual folks:

alphaduck

alphaduck loses patience
mindlessly chucks wood

alphaduck loses patience
mindlessly chucks wood

How much wood could a duck chuck
If a duck chucked wood?

How much wood could a duck chuck
If a duck chucked wood?

(Sorry, ducky, low-hanging fruit. Couldn't resist.)

Knitter Needling Man

do knitters have what it takes
to reach King Gesar?

or are they one-sock wonders?
choka on, knitters!

Only Zappai (and alter-egos) would be foolish enough to turn on the knitting crowd, now a firmly-established community just as prolific as the old-timers like him. Do I sense, perhaps, some... jealousy? Yes, I think so. There are two ways to drive Zappai absolutely batty:

1) Deny him well-deserved shame.

2) Out-volume him.

Good job, knitters. You keep out-voluming him, and I'll keep denying him shame.

Oh, wait.

Damn.

b1-66er here. Probably the best thing about being back is I get to kick the cat again. It's sort of an artform, in and of, itself.

Can you imagine a world without Choka Shame? Apparently these people can't ...

alphaduck

    if at first you fricasee,
    fry, fry a hen. (duck?)

Bang! Get it? Get it? You will.

Frank Zappai

    von zapp trap fam'ly singers
    my distant cousins

    "Doe, a Deer, that Rusty Shot"
    one of their big hits

It's funny.
It's dumb.
It's what we've come to expect, From a brain that is numb

And the worst of the week.

Powdered Toast Man

    I once saved the pope...know what?
    sounded like Zappa

    told him..."cling tenaciously
    to my buttocks," man

You are the reason I like waffles better than French Toast. Have you ever considered knitting?

Like a rainy weekend, Blind Choka Friday was good for our lush landscaping. But, unfortunately, the weeds also like the water.

Strangely enough, when you've been weeding for a while, you start to notice that the weeds look mighty familiar and similar to each other. For example, you thought you had namathia, spidermanica, and suttonwhonium, but it all turns out to be zapicus franciscus.

And, if you're not careful, you might find that you've accidentally unrooted some prize-winning roses and tossed them in the weed pile...

klr & Joe Namath

klr:
   I’m just running and racing
   happily chasing.....

   life rushing all around us
   act - or watch it pass

Joe Namath:
   pass rushing all around us
   throw--or run for life

We start off with a good coupla couplets from klr. The first one is sadly disqualified due to violation of anti-rhyming statutes. But it's a solid lead-in to the second couplet, which definitely belongs on the Week 20 Wall of Fame. The philosophy might be a bit trite, but it's the kind of thing we busy humans need to hear every so often. And it's so well-rendered into couplet form; it just demanded to be famed. This is the kind of excellence that keeps Choka thriving.

Next was the response from Joe Namath. Were I British, I'd say, "Brilliant!" (birdhead is still talking about this couplet. The other day, I overheard someone say to him: "Welcome to Wendy's. Is this for the dining room? And yes, yes, you told me about the pass rushing couplet three times already!")

Anyway, this couplet from the Zappai Conglomerate was just so amazingly good. This is what b1-66er means when he says, "You can do better." (See this week's alphaduck/Dumbledore combination on the Wall of Fame. These couplets are in the same class, for sure.)

Mr. Bizarro doesn't seem to like Fame so much, though. So, we basically had to give up and give him what he craves the most: A spot in Shame Alley. (Along with an apology to klr: Your Wall-of-Fame winning entry absolutely deserved to be listed over there, not here. But sometimes the good guys get swept out with the riffraff. To be perfectly clear, klr -- you're famed, not shamed. Good work!)

But, considering further... For the likes of Frank, a run-of-the-mill Shame Alley mention just wasn't good enough... What to do? What to do? Then it dawned on us.

Ladies and gentlemen of the Choka faithful, to (dis)honor one of our own, we bring you...

The Week 20 All-Zappai Shame Alley Awards

Spider Man

oh the web's fine filament
is spun internet

No! Please! Not again! Stop the ride before I get sick!

The "web's fine filament" phrase was once suttonhoo's glowing gem of fameworthy pride. Now it's as overused as Frank's handkerchief.

And do we really need to revisit the repetitively redundant "spun internet" yet one more time again? Sheesh.

But, begrudgingly, I must admit that this is a pretty clever combination -- if it is indeed original (I didn't bother to check). Maybe two wrongs do make a right.

But it gets Shame anyway, because of the spirit in which it was surely intended.

Sutton Who?

Jack Webb skipped meal, just ate mints
Webb's fine, full of mints

Bring me a bucket.

Trekkie Man

Captain Kirk on Viagra:
beam me up Scotty

Oh my. May the Great Bird of the Galaxy preserve us.

This was the point on Blind Choka Friday at which the wheels fell off the wagon, and the mask fell off Frank Zappai's face. Posting names became unnecessary. And suddenly, it was like a rematch of the dreaded Cage Match.

I'm not proud of this, but I must admit that Frank pulled me in. It was like peeking into an episode of The Fall Guy. I saw the punches flying, the chairs breaking, the bottles smashing, and the piano just playing on and on. I just had to part the swinging doors and see what damage I could cause.

So I started trying to do my best Zappai impression (since no one could see my posting name). I said gross things. I called him "Frank Snotra". I wasn't thinking about the fact that people would see my name later. I also didn't think about this: If only one person knows whether I'm really Frank, Frank would be the one. That was a big DUH! right there.

It all culminated in Frank's Viagra couplet, and my "captain's log" response. Oh my. (Though I am kinda proud of that one. I knew it was good-and-clever badness when birdhead said, "I should fire you from the judging panel for that one." But I knew it was an even-numbered week, so I was probably safe. Anyway, I just blamed it on Frank. And birdhead understood.)

So, um... Bad, Frank! I pronounce Shame on you.

(alphaduck &) Santa Claus

alphaduck:
   no talk of king oedipus
   nor ways to go blind

   it's true - we do what we do
   want it said? say it.

Santa Claus:
   (1.) you'll shoot your eye out, kid
   (2.) masturbation

[alphaduck, alphaduck, alphaduck... You're one lucky ducky. Because you are one of only 7.5 (estimated) non-Zappai chokists, you are officially excused from Shame this week. But this should indeed bring back memories of your early Shame-instigating prowess. Be careful -- we're watching you...]

Here's what most of us do when we read a lead-in such as alphaduck's:

1. Translate said lead-in from couplet form to our internal thought-language.
2. Think about what the couplet was saying.
3. Have an evil little aha! moment when we realize the obvious answer.
4. Chuckle softly to ourselves.
5. Think, "That's funny, but I probably shouldn't reply."
6. Continue reading the Choka.

And here's what Frank Zappai does when he reads a lead-in such as alphaduck's:

1. Translates said lead-in from couplet form to his internal evil thought-language.
2. Thinks about what the couplet was saying.
3. Has an evil little aha! moment when he realizes the obvious answer.
4. Laughs maniacally.
5. Thinks, "Shame will be mine. Oh, yes. Shame will be mine."
6. Googles the topic at hand (so to speak).
7. Saves the Google results in his evil supercomputer to help him write his next 86 couplets.
8. Returning to the current couplet, formulates the most shock-inducing response possible.
9. Blows his nose.
10. Formats the insidious response into couplet form.
11. If technically possible, converts the couplet to a wrapper.
12. Laughs maniacally again. Wakes up all the nearby wildlife.
13. Chokes a little.
14. Drinks some water.
15. Rolls his 20-sided die.
16. If he rolled 1, leaves his name as "Frank Zappai".
17. If he rolled anything else, uses a different name.
18. Clicks the "Post" button.
19. Keeps refreshing "Shame Alley" section to see if he shows up yet.
20. Laughs maniacally again, in case no one heard him.

Accordingly... Shame on you, Frank Zappai! Shame, Shame, Shame!

Shame Alley is usually reserved for determined trouble-makers rather than nitwits that can't read instructions or count. Those we just pass over. But the offenses this week were too egregious to ignore.

First in our learn to freaking count exercise:

alphaduck

But that that was just the merest warm-up for her later offense:

You'd think alphaduck, usually our champion of numbers, would earn bottom spot as worst-of-the-worst for this week. But no, no, no, that dishonor I must reserve for:

b1-66er

b1, you wrote the freaking rules. You've shamed others for not following the rules. While judges (past and present) are usually recused from fame and shame, you've earned it here. Go sit in the corner at the end of Shame Alley. No, keep going, the one at the very end. The one we keep reserved for Frank Zappai.

Oddly, albeit refreshingly, Week 18 was another Week of No Shame! Was it because of the incredible combined talent of the Chokists? I'd like to attribute it to that, but it probably has more to do with Week 18's distinct lack of volume.

Frank Zappai

don't want to make...awcheese..mad
can cheese bring me shame?

Nope!

Leslie

I’m sorting out my own shame
subtle / overt posts

Shame is indeed complicated. Sometimes it's a matter of subtle vs. overt. Sometimes it's a confusion of eating utensils. And sometimes it's us taking a swipe at someone else entirely who wanted to be in Shame Alley instead of you, someone who craves it more than fame, someone who's going to go freaking nuts for us shaming you instead of him. (Or "her," but most likely it's a "him," wouldn't you agree?)

Thanks for being a good sport about this. Choka on, Leslie.

lifeofmytime

there's a film on my hero
get me the swiffer

It's a sad story, really. Sometimes we bring Shame upon ourselves. Other times it just happens to us.

There was lifeofmytime, watching alphaduck bound effortlessly from the top of one Chokatown building to the next. She posted about her "hero for all things film". Then she executed a nice mid-air twist and posted about her "film for all things hero". As usual, she stuck the landing on the adjacent rooftop. A perfectly safe maneuver for an experienced duck, but not so much for the uninitiated.

Since alphaduck made it look so easy, who could blame lifeofmytime for running after her and trying to make the same leap? LOMT was off to a great running start, but unfortunately only made it about 7/12 of the way across the urban chasm. Then came the inevitable scream and SPLAT!

Luckily, as Neo learned in The Matrix, such a fall need not be fatal. (Although the sting of embarrassment does tend to stay with you a while.) Please come back and try again, lifeofmytime. Unlike many failed applicants (whose posts were banished to the ether), you know how to count syllables and you know how to spell. And knowing's half the battle.

Moving right along...

Before I present this week's main Shamee, we'll need a bit of background information:

One day, two of humanity's most esteemed philosophers were having a nice little coupletized discussion. Aristotle (wow, how do we get all these people?) asked:

do we value what is good
because it is good?

or is it good because we
value it as good?

Then suttonhoo further illustrated the point:

or because they tell us so?
(good to the last drop)

To this point, it was quite the engaging conversation. And then some rude guy jumped in:

David Hume

yes, if "they" are qualified
to judge what is good

difference between true judge
and a dilettante

Ahem. Hello? Um, judges standing right over here... Yep, that's us -- birdhead and me.

Look, Davy boy, I don't know who you think you are, but has it occurred to you that you are judging judges? And, that in doing so, you are probably violating your own cute little "What's a True Judge?" guidelines?

I know you've had this prejudice against so-called dilettantes for quite a while now. That's all fine and good, but your ideas must ultimately yield to this age-old piece of wisdom: "It takes one to know one." (Now that's a dilly of a taunt, eh?)

Yes, around here, I'm plenty qualified to judge. I've got a badge. With a beanie on it. And a propeller. That's all I need.

So, Mr. Hume, I suggest you get back to your kitchen and work on that philosophical stew just a little bit longer. Try adding some salt. And, hmmm... Maybe some logic? Until then, we shall talk of this no more. I bid you good day, sir.

(And to those of you David Hume fans out there: I'm sorry, but there seems to be a film on your hero. And no amount of Swiffering is going to help.)

First, some shame-worthy housekeeping:

Leslie

birdhead and awgeez used fpoons
'stead of usin' sporks

No, no, no, Leslie. Spork != Fpoon. Sporks are a cafeteria cost reduction gone horribly wrong. Fpoons are for frozen dairy ecstasy.

That clarified, on to the meat of week fifteen shame:

Cage Fight Fan

restore zappai honor now
do the right thing bird

Okay, the "right thing" here is two-fold. First, shame for Cage Fight Fan. The judges' decision is final. Second, a brief explanation of the cage fight results, since b1-66er wasn't able to do a full write-up before taking his Choka sabbatical.

The cage match wasn't "won in the end by Awgeez" so much as "lost from the start by Zappai." In fact, b1 nearly canned the event after Zappai's opening punch:

as opening move
zapp flicks booger couplet first!

Starting from the gutter, things pretty much stayed there, wallowing in the muck, for the remaining four hours. b1-66er was so dismayed that he promptly cancelled the Alphaduck/Ricky D match.

Awgeez and Zappai are both capable of brilliance, and their warm-up sparring in the weeks beforehand hinted of great things to come. But apparently sensitive poetic types don't work well under pressure. They're better suited to passive-aggressive taunting at a leisurely pace. A more "dignified" form of combat, if you will. One that can be engaged in without putting down your drink.

As such, b1 and I mutually agreed that the Cage Fight format wasn't appropriate for Choka. Also, I hereby apologize--and note this will be the only apology ever issued in Shame Alley--to Alphaduck and Ricky D for the abrupt cancellation of their match. They deserved a better, not to mention more prompt, explanation.

We'll get to the truly Shameful a little further down, but for now, let's get some general business out of the way...

Leslie

occasionally passed through
(clicked pizza-fund ads)

Leslie, you're usually such a good egg. But you've been BAD this time. So very bad.

I know you were just telling us what you were doing in your decreased Choka time, but, as a matter of policy, we just cannot allow this couplet to go unshamed.

After all the hard work we do NOT to encourage people (see Shame Alley Week 2) to click the many conveniently clickable ads, you come in and just, well, MENTION them. All out in the open and everything! Remember, the rules say that people have to find the ads themselves (even if they have to use the scrollbars to make sure they show up). So please, don't even talk about clicking them, as that could be seen as encouragement.

I'm sorry you had to learn this tough lesson, Leslie, but I hope you understand the gravity of the situation. Let the record show that Leslie has been properly chastised here, on this, the site's official place of, uh, chastisementivity.

[Please note the distinct absence of a winking emoticon. You can conclude from this that the above text is WAY TOTALLY SERIOUS. Bad Leslie. BAD!]

alphaduck

i once wrote a blue poem
courier new, 10

We followed the link to your poem, alphaduck. I won't comment on the poem itself (I don't think I'm quite brave enough nor smart enough). Nope, no shame in that.

But you see, you usually do such a good job with exacting attention to detail. Thus, we feel the need to shame you for nitpicky inaccuracies. (See Shame Alley Week 10. Oops, I mean 11.)

Anyway, that link we followed? The poem? Yes, the letters are blue, but their font is definitely not Courier New, and not even close to 10 points. So there. Ha! Ha ha!

And, finally, to karpov, er, that is, cap off this week's Shame Alley list:

Fish Stick Man

how do fish become fish sticks?
they swim internet

Well, well, well, Mr. Man, you have managed to displace all your brothers. Namely: Lightning, Hard Drivin', Lawn Mower, Definition, and of course, Cro-Magnon (not appearing this week).

Wait. We can't keep feeding this monster, can we? But dammit, we do need him. Kinda like how Buffy and the Scoobies needed Angelus. Even though he was a purely evil vampire, he had a purpose. So they'd occasionally, grudgingly feed him a few units of blood to keep him alive. And of course, they always hoped his better nature would take over, but it never quite happened that way, did it? All right -- back to the Shame.

This couplet just proves the old saying: Ask a stupid question, get a trite, recycled answer. This guy reminds me of the three-year-old that tells the same "not-not" joke over and over and over again, just because his five-year-old cousin told it and got a chuckle from the grownups.

There, you've been fed, Mr. Man. You have Shame. Don't drink it all in one place, okay?

Where there is fame, there must be shame lurking around the corner. And where there is shame, loitering nearby must be:

Frank Zappai

bet you thought I'd say . . . blogger
but without the "l"

Bogger? What the hell is a bogger? I had to consult Wikipedia: "Bogger is an Irish insulting term for someone not from a city.... Boggers are usually thought of as stupid, backwards, and slow to adapt to change."

Are you trying to insult me? Irked, perhaps, that I shamed your Nazi couplets? For that I'm stupid, backwards, and slow to adapt to change? Or are you going after your fellow chokers? Just who's the bogger you're thinking of? Closest thing to a bogger I see around here would be... you.

But before I simmer on that too long, I'm reminded:

alphaduck? oh alphaduck?
week thirteen shame? MINE!

One sure-fire way to not earn a spot in Shame Alley is to ask for it. So, Frank, you are hereby demoted to honorable mention for the week. No shame badge for you, you bogger.

Well, well, well. Awgeez gets to write his first Shame Alley entry. I'm all ready to get snarky widdit. Let the ranting begin!

But wait. One problem. Birdhead and I read the entire list of Week 12 couplets three times, and we couldn't find one single stinkin' couplet deserving of Shame!!

I hate it when we have this problem.
Oh, wait... We've never had this problem before.
-- birdhead

So, I figured out what to do. It was easy. Over six billion people conspired to give me nothing to write about in my first Shame Alley entry. The whole frickin' world was complicit, so they ALL get shamed. (Except, of course, for birdhead and awgeez, since we must recuse ourselves.)

But then... I thought better of it. Shame Alley just ain't big enough for the 6,000,000,000+ of us. Plus, I just can't set that kind of precedent. You have to get into Shame Alley the old-fashioned way. You have to earrrrrn it.

Besides, 6 billion people (or even just the 1 billion of us with internet access) would be clamoring for their I Suck badges, which would just bring this site to its knees.

So, what's worse than being shamed? Not getting to see anyone else get shamed!

So now we have Week 12 -- forever to be known as the Week of No Shame. This shall be your punishment. I hope you've all learned your lessons.

Now, get back to your homes. There's nothing to see here. Move along.

This week's shame is thankfully short, and ever so easy to judge.

alphaduck

the firstest post of week ten
i'm one quick duckie

No, this is week eleven. Not so quick, are you?

Dishonorable Mention: [...]

No, nevermind, he doesn't even deserve a spot here. Shame Alley is too good for that outburst. Shame alley would only encourage him. This spot would otherwise be given to... He Who Must Not Be Named.

[Week 10 is slightly delayed. Okay, maybe more than slightly. Sorry. -Birdhead]

On Wall of Fame we apologized for the delay in posting Week 9's winners. Shame Alley gets no such honor. No, the homies hanging in the alley want to be here. Never by accident does a choka poet stumble into shame. The shamers, instead, are a special breed of man, woman, and waterfowl who thrive on badness. They craft badness with the same exquisite care that the famers craft greatness.

This week's shame goes to a single (but very deserving) stream of couplets:

alphaduck and Frank Zappai

alphaduck:

oh... if i were a rich duck,
(vocalizations)

and each loud [animal sounds]
[more animal sounds]

...broadway musicals proving
hard to coupletize.

Frank Zappai:

Deutschland is happy and gay!
march to faster pace

look here comes the master race
Springtime for Hitler

keep it light...bright...keep it gay!
leather boots and whips

(...and on and on...)

A-duck's couplets are pretty entertaining, actually. Might have been fame material, even -- but she should've known the trouble she would stir up. A younger, more naive alphaduck we would have excused, as we did in week five, but this ducky has been around long enough to know better. Shame on you.

And then there's Zappai. He's the one in the middle of the alley, not content with it being low enough, so he's digging. Having hit sub-Death-Valley level weeks ago, he's now burrowing straight for Sheol. Looks like he found it, too. Tell me, Zappai, in what specific ring of the inferno did you find your leather-clad Nazi pals?

On second thought, no, please don't answer that. Please.

Not much that was truly awful this week. Thank goodness.

awgeez

Me scurvy iPod's busted!
Need a new iPatch.

You get to walk the McPlank.

b1-67er

Choka looked like it was closed.
But door was ajar.

A reference to the April 1st Jif peanut butter page -- and the fact that b1, the lesser, was able to slip through. But damn your soul, you're my brother, I mean, series number, and this is not cool. I can't believe you stepped to the depths of the lowlifes awgeez and Frank Zappai. You know for a fact that they're our equivalent of those slow-movers at the Keg. Here's a hint for you: puns aren't funny. Here's another: puns aren't clever. Here's another: you lose.

You might be thinking:

Whoa, this is a little heavy I wonder if he's still mad about the fact that I learned how to write before Mom and Dad knew so I'd write his name on the windows in the condensation and then it would dry and then they would ask if he wrote it and then he'd say "no" and then they'd pummel the bejesus our of him for lying I wonder if it has anything to do with that?

The answer is, "no," you little freak. No more puns from you. This series line is better than that. Damn you.

Sure, it's late. But who cares when you're talking about losers?

suttonhoo

I grieve you choka choked on
bad ObjectDriver

If you're like me, you wonder what suttonhoo will be like when she's old. Wonder no more. She'll be like this. But with wrinkles. And cats.

awgeez

I potato? And I sweet?
Think, therefore, I yam.

Thanks for this, Popeye.

nwpsys

n-dub cranks up Genesis
"In The Cage" lets rip

Okay, nwpsys, I'm going to do you a favor and clue you in to something people should have told you, say, 20 years ago. Genesis is never the right answer to anything. You're on the right track, you're just in the Second Class cabin. In the music you should be with Peter Gabriel, in the scriptures you should be with something more interesting like Leviticus. Damnation.

And the worst of the week, assuming you don't count Zappai's performance in the Cage match (which I just discount):

Elvis Presley

Can't you hear me when I call
you just tall, that's all

Elvis, man, I dig your music, really I do. And this is a nice couplet. Oh, EXCEPT IT FRICKEN' RHYMES. You might be the King, but not around here, pal. A performance like this doesn't even count as steward. Have a fried banana sandwich. Or something.

... The birdhead and I need to tighten up some loose ends first.

b1

Thankfully, thankfully it was a much better week than last. Everything here is trivial compared to the travesty that was last week.

alphaduck

these microbes cause big-time woes,
but they're so darn cute!

No, alpha, those damn things are butt-ugly. If someone gave one to my child, I'd push the entire stroller (including child) into the river and brick anything that floated back to the top.

Big Lint

lint lint lint lint lint lint lint
lint lint lint lint lint

Something on your mind? Our first concordance terrorist. People throw away lint before they run the dryer. This is why. You're the worst, not only in the laundry room, but on the choka this week.

Week 5. Oh yes. The week where, 20 years from now, people will look back and say, "Yep, that's the point where everyone collectively lost their minds." What was it? Lunar event? Bad water? Pre-equinox syndrome? What?

We had our first ever couplet banning for a set of extremely well-thought-out and yet entirely inappropriate verses. This left me mind-blown enough that while I was out of it the birdhead stepped in and went power mad banning some couplet on political grounds. Does it stop here? Of course not. Bad weeks always get worse.

Then we went into the general mucus category, only to leave and then go back again (thanks for that, Frank), then followed by the (thankfully-short) flatulence couplets.

It's the kind of week that makes me sit back and ask, "What is the difference between the choka and 9 year-old boys telling each other jokes at the back of the gym?" And you know, I don't have a good answer, but maybe it's something like, "the 9 year-old's are ultimately not as dangerous because they have adult supervision."

I will tell you this ... We made it for a month with no governing -- much longer than I would have guessed. But now I've had the sense of power, a taste of the opiate that I get from pushing a button and watching weak intellectual ideology perish, I'm far more likely to do it in the future. In fact I'm teetering on changing this to be the most pious choka.

Don't you kids make me stop this car.

awgeez

some real real good reason

The birdhead and I talked and I was going to put you here for the cacheing comment, but then I decided I liked it too much and famed it instead. But that left this gap open and when the birdhead and I agree on Shame, Shame happens. I don't feel like crawling the choka this second to shove an excuse in here, but you and I both know there are plenty, plenty of reasons for you to be here. Welcome to Shame Alley. Again. And quit smirking.

Everyone associated with the booger comments -- especially Frank Zappai

(idiocy)^2

This is a pit so low that I'm surprised I can't flip over my laptop and see it coming out the other side. Not only is this the worst of the week, it's also the deepest spot of the choka as a whole and the worst poetic event I've had any association with in this new century. It is our Bad Water in a poetic Death Valley.

I hate the fact that I'll have to read this stuff for the rest of the time there is a choka. It disturbs me more than a little that people just coming on the site will see it and do whatever the hell as a result. And you, Zappai, are a poetic skinhead punk for actually driving the poem back there. (And to be clear, I didn't like the punks in the 70's, I don't like them now. Although the music does grow on you. Sort of like a tumor.) Shame on all of you. Alley on all of you. Shame Alley on all of you. (Except for alphaduck, I recuse you for not knowing the level these poltroons are capable of stooping to. Don't get too comfortable though, because ....)

alphaduck

i aspire to choka fame.
don't like it? go blow.

I actually like this couplet. Any 30's slang-reference that somehow feels more porn-y in the 21st century is fine in my book. I also like the idea of aspiring to the Wall of Fame, as well as telling off the lesser mortals. But hey, I can't put you on the Wall of Fame for it, can I? And we do have one other choice, don't we? And the Mountain Dew hasn't fully kicked into my system yet, has it?

And I put you here, not because you were the worst (you weren't -- in fact, you were good) but because I really couldn't leave that booger business as the last piece. It would be the opposite of auspicious. My life doesn't need that. Neither does the choka.

Not too much badness this week. Of course, you can't have a war without a least a little bloodshed.

Frank Zappai

hokey just-poke-me-in-the-eye stuff

Here we go again. Hokey pokey this and hokey pokey that. Yeah yeah. The only good thing to come out of this is that the Brits call it the "Hokey Cokey." I hope the buddhists are wrong, I'd hate to think how many times this horse could be killed, beaten and reincarnated. These refs didn't miss this call, eh Zappai? Shake that all about.

Worst of the week:

H. Melville

how do you make a whale float?
root beer, ice cream, whale

Sure, it's funny in that clever nine-year-old sort of way, but all this couplet really makes me want to do is grab your ship, drag it down to the depths and maybe nail a sky-hawk or two to the mast along the way. You may rate in the great books circles, but you're a deck swabber in the choka seas. What do you think of that, you fricken pegleg?

It's getting harder to make Shame Alley. No, not because the overall quality is getting better, merely because the bar is getting so low to clear.

Don't believe me, oh you will ...

szetela

Wanna get on the Fame Wall?
Talk dirty to them.

So let's see, the poster of last week's top couplet comes back here and rubs it in everybody's face. In a mere 12 syllables he's gone from being the Chaucer of the Internet to its version of Jimmy Swaggart. Just how bad a crime is this? This bad: we're not even granting you Shame Alley rights. That's right, you've been 86'd from a skid row bar. The alley's looking a lot better than the street right about now, isn't it, szetela?

Rusty Parker

I put my right foot in, and
Rusty the left foot

Sure, it made me laugh. And yes, it still does. But that doesn't mean it's not horriffic. What's that you say? This is actually pennedby Zappai? We look at it this way: Zappai and Rusty are the same person, so bitch slap one, kick the other, it's all about the same. And if they're not the same person, hopefully this will cause Rusty to take aim on Zappai.

Frank Zappai

One hundred million couplets based on 24 Hours of TV

Congratulations, Zappai. Like Houdini in a new safe, you've managed to find yet another way to sneak into Shame Alley. The offense? Ideological plaigarism. Re-writing my jokes is not funny. What's even un-funnier is having to listen to both anne and b1-67er whine to me about you doing it. Either one, in and of themselves, is probably not a crime. Combined, you're fricken lucky I don't ban you. But wait, I'm not done ...

Rusty Parker / Frank Zappai / Whoever the Hell Else He Is

blah bla
h

One word: wrap-pers. Listen Sybil, you're going out of your way to piss me off. I warned you before, I was even nice about it, but you've taken things too far. Then you've taken them farther. Then you've thrown them. Then you've kicked them. Then you've laughed. Then you've shown it to your friends. THEN YOU'VE WRITTEN MORE WRAPPERS. So here's what happens with you, and you very specifically. You write one more wrapper, just one, and I'll never acknowledge your presence on the Choka ever again. Ever. You'll get no pizza. You won't even get ridicule. You'll get nothing more than to sit there and look at the buttons on your cell wall. Capite? If I controlled meteorites in the solar system, I'd hurl one on your dog.

UrsulaTG1@aol.com

With the whole world to explore,
we get this poem!

Self-centered commentary
on personal guilt.

That's right, a quadlet so offensive that you actually managed to do the inconceivable and light up the birdhead. His bowel movements won't become regular for weeks because of this. Now I'm not big on judging my fellow man, but when s/he judges me, sure, I just let it rip. You strike me, most succintly, as the kind of person that would walk into a party and start talking about how many people died in Eriteria this week. Is Eritrea in bad shape? Sure, all the countries that have "herding," "grazing" and "revolution" as major industries are. Do I want to hear it at a party? Hell no. What's worse than self-centered commentary on personal guilt? How about some nag who shows up at your house, doesn't have the decency to even say "hello" and instead tells you that your floor needs mopping, that you have an ugly wife, kicks your dog and then asks to borrow the car.

Seriously, though, you're welcome here. DISPLAY YOUR FRICKEN SHAME BADGE WITH HONOR.

Okay, now that I'm warmed up, I've saved the best for last

b1-66er

who cares

It's not bad enough that I, I mean he, expouses a confused and forced view of religion/politics/stupidity on people, he goes further by not posting to the Wall of Fame and Shame Alley fast enough. Come on man, how hard is it? In the famous words of szetela, did you confuse your Monday deadline with one that you had on Thursday? Let's see, if you average, oh I don't know, say a letter every 5 minutes, it would've been done a little sooner, right? Worse, you pound out 24 Hour of TV drivel to the extent that Rusty/Zappai/Napolean thinks it's not only a good idea, but you warp his/its mind bad enough to copy it. Every mean thing your father ever said about you is true. Yes, even that one.

It's been good news and bad news this week. The good news is we've somehow managed to dodge the truly horriffic. Very heartening.

The bad news is we've fallen into a far more nefarious world of underhandedness and subtrefuge. But why talk in generalities when we can point fingers?

szetela & stearno

I click'd on your Adsense ads.
Many times. Wall of Fame?

Thanks, "mesothelioma" ...
AdSense buys pizza

For the first time ever we hand out a dual prize for the offense of a conspiracy to commit shame. For anyone who doesn't know, we agree to stipulations with Google that we would never encourage people to click ads (like the ones you see on your right) because that's the way we make money/buy pizza and that's a BAD THING. BAD. Szetla and stearno know this, and yet they put a direct flaunting of it here. We are shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here! I mean, that these former colleagues would even suggest such things. (Please boys, don't take your membership to S.A. too hard though, beer's on me next time you're in town to help ease the sting.)

awegeez

Huh-huh, huh-huh, huh-huh-huh.
You said "make it big".

Do we even really have to say anything here? I'm tempted to channel Chokholia but I'll just leave it. (Rusty, I said, "Fire! Fire!")

Frank Zappai

you do the Yokey Chokae
turn yourself around

Just kill my dog why don't you. Okay, the plural of choka is, choka -- like (one of what I'm sure is a class of your favorite pals) sheep. It's a poem, dammit, not a fricken antenna. But that's not what's the most disturbing. As you know, I'm an armchair philosopher -- the Archie Bunker of Zen as it were -- and one of the most disturbing bumper stickers I've ever seen in my life is: What if the Hokey Pokey is what it's all about? I mean, that's the kind of thing that just tears me up. Rips at me. I don't need to be reminded about it, I mean, I really don't, and that's precisely what you're doing here. (And seriously, what if it is what it's all about?)

anne

blah blah blah, etc.

Congratulations, for the first time in the history of Choka On It we're awarding Wall of Shame for comments in the Discussion Forum where Anne pleaded that we get awgeez to stop posting 80's AOR pun references. This is a vein so deep, I don't even know where to start mining. Birdhead, gimme that shovel. No no, the big one.

First, this is the World's Longest Choka, not the World's Highest Quality Choka, nor the World's Most Pun-Free Choka. That you would suggest that he not write goes directly against our (and I do mean everyone's) goal.

Second, you may well be making light of a birth defect. It's possible, if not likely, that both Chokey, I mean yokey, and awgeez have something that may well be a poetic form of Tourette's. They spew couplets and then you make fun of it. When a stutterer finishes a sentence, do always quip, "That's easy for you to say?"

Third, just like you used to tell me at the end of our dates in high school, "Quit begging."

For you, I have a special task in Shame Alley: you get to sort the bottles from the cans in the recycling bin. The only problem is, not everyone knows it's a recycling bin.

dick chaney

So what if you didn't even compete and you're Vice President of the United States? We run the choka and that's a job that lasts for as long as we say, and we get to do whatever we want for as long as we want, which means we trump you. Yes, we think the press overreacted to the news (hint: the accident makes no difference to the politics of the U.S. and no, the public has no "right to know") and no, we're not straight line Democrats who just bash Republicans because we can't actually come up with a watertight campaign platform of our own. But here at the BigPoem we do have one very very hard-and-strict rule: "You do not shoot your friend in the face." Period. You just don't. Hey man, don't take our word for it, ask Rusty.

karpov

Dolphin swims unknowingly
internet and dies

Actually, this is a couplet that is both hysterical and great. Dolphin makes reference karpov's company. Unkowningly is a vague reference to his couplets of the previous week. Internet is the obvious pun, "and dies" is a direct reference to the first haiku I ever wrote when I was 8 (One-eyed snail slowly/Climbs up Mt. Fujiyama/And looking back, dies). The problem, though, is this is exactly like a figure skater going out and carving a judge's name in the ice as she skates. Yes, it's technically amazing, but I simply can't dock the little girl from Romania because of it. Karpov, in the name of Anne, I'm begging you, use your forces for good, not evil. Please, just give us a nice set this week. Please.

One last piece of housekeeping. Yokey is officially being removed from Shame Alley. S/he pointed out that we didn't say you should write about the Internet leaving, essentially, a blind poetic kitten to stumble into the 18-wheeler lane of our poetic highway. Now it's true that we thought it was pretty fricken obvious since it was, oh say, THE OPENING STANZA OF THE POEM. But we can see how there were other, ahem, "forces" that may have caused this to happen.

Also, Yokey came back from Shame Alley with a vengence. Like Ali in Zaire, his early couplets appear to be nothing more than choka-dope, followed by a flurry of left/rights. If that doesn't shake off shame, nothing will.

First, we'll admit that the entries weren't as abysmal as we thought they could be. That's not to say there wasn't badness (there was), but just like moving de-commissioned oil tankers, we were mostly just glad to see that things didn't go flat-out toxic immediately.

szetela

Great way to promote my brand
new web site. Thanks guys!

The site wasn't even open to the public at large yet and still szetela managed to spam the choka with his web site related to, you guessed it online advertising. (To add insult to defame-y, szetela also wrapped his first line.) As a former boss of mine, you sir, get a special place in the alley -- right where they throw away bird cage liners. (I'd move him to a worse spot in the alley, but he put the "I choka'd" badge on his page.) You're half-way to your goal of earning both badges. Time to write good, swiney.

karpov

Now I know I have somethin
to say, but the prob

lem is you say somethin uh
you gotta say it

He's got several lines of idiocy, I just wanted to pick the one(s) that would make me flinch the most when I cut and paste. If you read the discussion board, you can see an IM that is descriptive not only of how stupid this is in concept, but also perfectly traces the departure of the last bit of sanity from my living being. The acidic truth that makes this burn even worse is he, unbelievably, is an expert on Shakespearean sonnets. Karpov and I are pals and I've always treated him like a brother. Now I have to treat him like my stupid, genetically deficient, thieving, moronic, slobbering brother. I could write a page about this quadlet alone, but all it would do is encourage others and make me projectile vomit.

awgeez

Down there are five syllables.
Up there are seven.

And on this page is lameness. Way to go, spudnut.

Nick Zegarac

porn - it's not just for breakfast,
sticky keyboard, though

We actually have no problem with this couplet, and like it quite a bit. Problem is it's about porn and I talk it up with suttonhoo over on the Wall of Fame, so I have to ding it here for karmic balance. It's a yin and yang thing. Male and female. You understand. No offense. Feel free to send your site passwords along.

polona

Slovenia? - never heard!
must be far away...

You're from Slovenia. You could always use the Internet (what this poem is supposed to be about in the first place) to find it. Oh yeah, and don't make "intellectual fun" of the fact that no one knows where the hell Slovenia is or we'll put your South American neighbors on your ass.

Damn.

At least you know you're on the wrong path, and you're prolific (which we appreciate) so I grant you the right to be the guard of Shame Alley. I don't care what gets in, just make sure karpov doesn't get out.

Folks who just aren't goodish get their very own badge to advertise their suckitude. Instructions for how to include the Badge of Shame on your site are on the bottom of this page (you might as well -- it may well be the only thing you have to be proud of). {Do note: If you find yourself planted in Shame Alley, you're still well ahead of those who never even tried to post to the Choka in the first place. Those people are unspeakably lame. So lame, in fact, that we shall speak of them no more from this point forward.} To put the badge on your site, simply copy this text and put it in your template:

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